uh jie : old self meaningg??

sigh think i haven changed at all.
like when i get sadd over stuff.
all i can do is jus pray and cryy.
thats what i do BEST when im sadd.
uh this entry will sound superr pessimistic and all that.
not that typical happy entry.
but think i shall jus do myself a favourr and type my sad feelings downn.
instead of sayingg that im okay.
ive always thot smilingg was an easy thingg to do.
like can smilee almost the whole day or sth.
only today have i realized it isnt all that easyy.
smiled little todayy.
and pls forgive me for soundingg so negativee.
'cos seriouslyy i think ive fallen badly this timeee.
and i think probably serves me right or sth.
i think i jus feel like typingg some stuff down.
hmms got back math paper todayy.
yups im gonna get an O overall.
and math was supposed to be my only hopee.
yihui went with me to look for MR koh.
but he kinda said that my mark is too farr from gettingg an E
and he doesnt think he can help me actuallyy.
oooooooohs sighs.
was jus feelingg sadd.
didnt speak much todayy.
jus kept quite quiet.
in a world of my own kinda thingg.
sighh think math is like some determiningg factor.
i dont knoww.
i jus have this very bad feelingg i cant promote.
its jus this feelingg i cant explain.
this fear which is hard to explainn.
sighhhhhh.
cried abit today in sch.
before i got back the paper.
i thot i kinda expected this kinda grades so probably i wouldnt cry or sth.
but in the end i jus couldnt help it.
then after that i decided to smilee and try to be happyyy.
so duringg trainingg and everythingg i was okayy alr!!
tried to put all that behindd.
but after trainingg.
somewhere duringg dinnerr.
suddenly i felt like super tiiired and stonedd.
i was jus stoningg at the tablee.
and not speakingg at all kinda thingg.
then kasster was sayingg that this is the first time he see me not speakingg at all for like around five mins.
then park said YARR!!
and then i was like "HAH U DONT EVEN KNOW ME."
i know that sounded abit rudee.
but i jus told him i mean "u dont know me well enough"
i was SUPER shocked after i said thatt.
but thats truee.
and i was jus beingg frankkk.
glor and the restt kinda laughedd.
'cos they were like YAR how can u agree when u dont even know her well kinda thingg.
then glor was sayingg that i was jus feelingg tiiired thats why i kept quiet and stuff.
appeared to be super stonishhh.
i was askingg myself if i was jus feelingg tiiired or was i jus superr saddd.
i dont knoww
on my way homee.
alot of thots kept runningg thru my headd.
when i got homee.
my parents didnt really say muchhh.
they jus asked me what i wanna do if i cant promote.
and then my mom kinda blamed my dad for not allowingg me to stay in cj last timee.
okayyy and i started cryingg like some mad womann.
seriously i wanted to blame my dad for not allowingg me to stay in cj.
but i know all he wanted was the BEST for me.
like seriously its all my own fault.
i shouldnt be blamingg otherrs 'cos i was the one who refused to change my attitude.
i was the one who chose to play and be lazyy.
and then they kinda argued abitt.
then i jus told them.
im sorry.its jus all my faulttt.
and i went upstairrs to my room.
was jus cryingg and cryingggggg.
i know they dont blame me.
but i blame myself so muchh.
i never wanted to disappoint themmm.
gonna get back gp.geog and econs next week.
somehow i know it seems almost impossiblee that i can pass.
and i jus wanna be honest with myselff.
but its like im jus gonna prayyy.
and trust in GOD.
he might not allow me to scrape thru this timee.
but im suree theres a reason.
though im findingg it hard to accept everythingg thats comingg.
ill learn.
yups and i think ill come out strongerr.
uh but right noww.
ill jus do thinggs the usual wayy.
pray and cryy!!
i know cryingg cant solve problems.
but when im sad ill jus always hafta cryyy.
and ill wake up feelingg much better the nextt day.
im suree tonightt will be a difficult night for mee
im tiiired but im suree i wouldnt be able to sleeep that easilyy.
yups.
im really realllllyyyy saddd.
i think i dont wanna try puttingg on a happy and brave frontt.
i jus wanna be myselff.
and beingg myself for today means beingg kinda sadd.
but ill be back to normal tmr.
'cos it'll be a brand new day for mee!!
life is always beautifuL.
i believe it is
:)